OYSTERS L-O-V-E THEIR CORNKOB!
Updated: Sep 16, 2020
From the Committee
Sponsors, parents, friends, supporters, coach, and players, another week and another Oyster win. Despite the absolute pile of carry on you're about to read, just know that we had absolutely no fun in writing this version of the Circular. Despite a weekend victory that was as sexually arousing as [insert your own finish to this simile. Unless you're Tom Ritchie. In that case, please hand yourself in to the closest police station which we believe is Paddington Police Station (16 Jersey Road) in your case]. The reason for our solemn mood, is that this is the penultimate edition of the Oysters Circular. Strap your shells together and welcome yourself to this week's Edition VIII. This will be THE LAST Oysters Circular for the season (except for next week). No we're not crying, you're crying! Okay fine, we're crying. But that's okay because we're just as in touch with our emotions and sensitive side as Angus "Crazy Gus" McClelland who we of course all know practices multiple schools of yoga, is a vegetarian and can see his inner spirit through his third eye after finding himself on a silent retreat in the Pir Panjal Ranges of India.
Woah – sorry.
Exhibit A: Woody you Stud... For your Workforce Solutions, hit this bloke up.
Anyway, as much as we’d love to talk up how DISGUSTINGLY BRUTAL AND GLORIOUS our victory was against the King's Old Boys (54-0 at half time hahahaha), we have to concede that this weekend was only a semi-final after all. We have to push our thoughts of supreme dominance out of our minds and focus on the grand fi-
Actually – screw it.
Back to the indulgent stream of consciousness feat. some funny food metaphors!
Exhibit B: A, B, C, It's as easy at 1, 2, 3 for Hatrick Hero H. Lorang.
The first entrée that was dished up to the Oysters came in the form of KOB (Kings Old Boys) Loaf. If you think Oysters pigged out on that creamy cheese and bacon loaf during last week’s match (reminder: we also 'umped the KOBs last weekend as well), then this week was just outright glutenous. The front button on the Oyster buoys' jeans were practically shooting off with the velocity of Hamish Lorang down the sting as we devoured that shweet sheet Kob Loaf up to a stomach curdling 54-0 half time feast. To even things out with a bit of a healthier option, the Oysters buoys rolled up their sleeves and devoured some corn on the KOB. Safe to say however, the brutality of the feast was no different to consumption of the KOB Loaf despite the clear health benefits (only 12.5g of carbs per serving!) No kernel was left on the ear (ear is another word for cob).
Ahhhh…..feels good to get that out of our system. Sweet release. But now…real talk.
We’ve been preaching victories throughout the entire season, but the time between now and this coming Saturday is the most important week the Oysters will ever face in their entire existence as a club. Yes, there may be other seasons in the future. Yes, we may play in other Grand Finals. But never again in the history of the club will be playing in the Grand Finals for a major premiership in our INAUGAURAL SEASON AS A CLUB.
OYSTERS WE CALL ON YOU TO RECOGNISE WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU: A CHANCE TO MAKE HISTORY.
Exhibit C: D. Bottrell ladies and gents, still chasing a date for the upcoming Oyster Ball FYI. Head to the Oysters Rugby Instagram to sus out his try assist (just like him, it will not disappoint).
And so now we turn our full and utmost attention to the Burraneer Dolphins. Those committed readers will remember we mentioned a documentary “The Cove” in a previous edition of the Circular. One thing to take away from that graphical extended metaphor is that it was an annual event. Come Saturday 19th September, for the first time in history, there will be an opportunity for such an event to become a bi-annual occasion as we will be channeling our inner-Japanese at the Eastern Suburbs ground this Saturday. Just between you and us, there's even some talks of some sashimi to compliment the Oysters that have become a staple the home games (thanks Deb!)
Speaking of consuming seafood, however, after devouring some dolphin last time we played, the Oyster buoys were exposed to a health downside that caught us by surprise. Dolphin meat and blubber contains high levels of mercury which can contribute to disorders ranging from memory loss to spontaneous seizures (if you would like to read more, please follow this link: https://www.conservat ionmagazine.org/2014/11/the-dangers-of-eating-dolphin-meat/).
Exhibit D: J. Rickard on Up, Up and Away..
We consulted the nation's best Oyster doctors (wow we're running out of material here) and the prognosis was that all of us were suffering from one key symptom: memory loss. Why is that? BECAUSE OF ALL OF CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH WE WANT MORE DOLPHIN. Cook it as raw sashimi, batter-fry it in miso sauce with a side of vegetables (because we're healthy), blend it you’re your morning Acai Bowl (if you don't know what an Acai Bowl is please ask Lachy Argiris), WE DON'T CARE HOW IT'S PREPARED BECAUSE WE'LL EAT IT. We're not fussy eaters after all…this season we've had to chomp on Sea Lice (Cronulla), Lions (Engadine), Kob Loaf and corn on a Kob (Kings Old Boys), Wolf (Merrylands), Oats (Oatley). It's harrowing.
Exhibit E: N. Findlay seriously tonguing for some Kob Loaf...
ASIDE: whilst we use the dolphin metaphor jokingly, the Oysters in no way condone the hunting of live dolphins whether for scientific, food, or social purposes.
Now that we've established the Oysters are hangry for 'dat dolphin, what will we drink will be fitting to wash down the mercury-infused flesh? Only one thing drank is appropriate: victory beers being consumed from the holiest of vessels: THE JEFFREY CUP. Like Steven Spielberg’s 1989 hit film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, there have been three challenges that have had to tackle in our quest for the Jeffrey Cup:
1. The Breath of God - "Only the penitent man will pass." The men from Rushcutters have knelt before the merciless COVID-19 pandemic and proven our worth, abiding by the strictest conditions that would have seen any other club crumble.
2. The Word of God - "Only in the footsteps of God will he proceed." The answer of Jehovah, but was to be spelled in Latin as "Iehova". Similarly, our Latin Moto “Aestus Resurget” has carried us throughout the season, roughly translated to “The tide will rise again”. Consistent and overwhelming determination on the Reef has laid the platform for one last challenge.
3. The Path of God - "Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth." The final challenge this weekend as we enter the make or break, do or die finale. Running onto that field will be a culmination of faith and assurance in the preparation in what has been a rollercoaster campaign.
Exhibit F: Tuesday Inspiration ftb's.
At this point, we wanted to wrap this elongated circular up with some words of encouragement. You, dear reader, are part of this Oyster community whether you be player, sponsor or supporter. You have watched this club grow from an idea, to a couple of blokes playing touch down on Saturday morning down on Rushcutters, to a minor premiership team, and now to a Grand Final-worthy side. The work that has gone into this incredible transformation is unprecedented, and whilst each and every one of you carries the responsibility of playing and supporting the buoys to an undefeated major premiership victory, it is without a doubt that each and every one of you will share in the beautiful victory that we would have all worked together to achieve this inaugural season. From us and all the readers, we would like wish, with all our hearts, the Oysters the very best luck for this coming week. All of us have built something great, and now it's time to finish what we started.
We’ll hand it over to coach for this week’s edition of the Coach’s Corner.
Exhibit G: (N. Findlay) aaannndd he got his Kob Loaf... JUST.
“You couldn't have asked for better weather, and right from the kick off we looked to play an expansive & up-tempo game. After probing down the blind side, Roy Harrison recognised the KOBS blind winger was at the bottom of a ruck and put in a great box kick to immediately give us good field possession. We re-gathered the ball and shifted it through the hands to make good metres in the outside channels. After a strong Harry Williams run, the Oysters earnt a penalty after Roy Harrison was illegally taken out at the ruck. Harry Cole showed good awareness to take the quick tap and burrowed over for the first try.
Following the quick try, KOBS did well to repel a couple of Oysters assaults down the right touch line and looked to gather some possession themselves, relying on their pack to keep it in tight and wear our defence down. However, the buoys were playing with some really quick tempo, the pigs were working incredibly hard around the park and our shape was looking strong. With play predominantly occurring in KOBs' own half, the constant pressure was proving too much and the points began to flow. Lachy Argiris had a very strong carry off a kick-off to get the defence on the back foot. One of the KOBs outside backs tried to fly out of the line to shut our backs down as the ball was spun wide left. Sam Wood adjusted his line beautifully to receive the short pass and go through the hole, he then shifted it to his outside centre Nick Stubbs. Stubbsy spun out of the tackle & then cut back inside for a long run. As he was tackled he got the off-load away to Angus McClelland who sold a dummy to slice through the final two defenders and scored under the posts.
Exhibit H: TOUCHDOWNNNNNNN!!!! CRAAAAAZYYY GUS Cashing in on some CornKob.
The remainder of the half saw the buoys continue to execute in attack. We were really clinical in attacking the advantage line and changing the angle with our support lines to keep the defence guessing. Jack Remond & Sam Wood were instrumental in this, directing the traffic well around the field and distributing to our strike players early, giving them plenty of time to operate in space. It was hard not to sit back and enjoy the razzle-dazzle rugby the buoys were putting on display. Dan Bottrell set up one of Hamish Lorang's tries with some great footwork in counter attack, stepping through multiple defenders. Another particular highlight was Roy Harris scooping up a loose ball on our try line. He took off down the touch line before stepping inside to draw the full back & then gave the pass to Harri Greville. Grev continued down the field & Hamish Lorang ran a great switch line in support to race away for his third try, It was an extremely please first 40, we led at the break 54-0.
Exhibit I: You find us something sexier than a Prop switching with a Winger and we'll walk backwards to Bourke... "Blooody Brilliant" H. Greville.
The second half saw us take our foot off the pedal. Roy Harrison scored a quick try early after a good sniping run close to the line, but then for much of the rest of the game we struggled to keep building pressure through the phases. Full credit to a resilient KOBs squad who rallied well and kept toiling all game to score 3 good tries themselves. Nick Findlay was very impressive at number 7 and continued to make impact for the full 80 minutes. James Rickard backed him up as well all game as he took pride in doing the grunt work, particularly around the breakdown. All in all there were a lot of positives to take from the game & it was great to secure a big win in our clubs maiden finals game. I know the buoys are raring to be in the big dance this weekend as they'll have to be in order to front up against a very physical Burraneer team.”
- Louis Biscoe a.k.a “Coach Boone”
One game to go and god what a journey we've had. A big thank you to our sponsors who have enabled us to get this far. We have tried to maintain the faith shown in us from the early days of this season and do you proud. With the date set for the Grand Final, we hope that you have gained some satisfaction in supporting a club that was literally an idea 9 months ago, to now being in a Grand Final.
Exhibit J: Who Won Today?... OYSTERS!!! – Play that on repeat (8 times).
Exhibit K: Tell me that isn't a beautiful sight.
Exhibit L: Roll up Roll up!!! Easts 3:00pm Saturday 19th September 2020.
Around the Ground – Presented by Punt Hub
“G’day punters, Mark here from punt hub with another update.
A quick wrap of last weekend: the biggest ticket we paid out on was Nick Peper to last over 60mins, this one was paying 20/1 and was the last leg of one of the multis that also had Lorang hat trick into KoBs scoreless in the first half. With the Oyster Boys in the grand final we have created some new markets for those looking to have a punt this weekend.
For the Grand Final we had our stats guy crunching some numbers and amazingly, with Nick Findlay crossing the chalk last weekend we now have had 15 different oysters score tries in 2020, an amazing feat.
Which got us thinking who (if anyone) might break their duck this weekend:
No 16th try scorer - 3/1
Nick Stubbs - 5/1
Justin Sayer - 10/1
Sam Mako Moko - 10/1
Nick Peper - 11/1
Oli Hassall - 15/1
Mitch Rice-Brading - 15/1
We also have a market on what Angus will say in his post game speech:
Shuck 'Em - 2/1
Lets Get Shucked - 4/1
Hook ‘Em - 6/1
Better than Lego - 10/1
And lastly our Grand Final Same-Game Multi:
- Burra Yellow card
- Sydney Harbour win
- Lachy to score
- Red Dog Over 4.5 Bundy & Cokes before 6:30pm Paying 11/1”
(Please note all bets above are for banter purposes and not real bets).
As always have a fantastic week, go the Oysters, and above all, SHUCK ‘EM!
Sydney Harbour Rugby Club