Week 5 - Ooh Ah… OYSTERS Go FIVE-FA!

Sponsors, parents, friends, supporters, coach, and players… another week, another dollar, another victory and another edition of the Oysters Circular. Tuesday mornings with a phresh Circular are linkened to that blissful, unforgettable, and dare we say orgasmic, moment when the first lemon-covered oyster slides down into your belly as you're Sunday long-lunching, slightly hungover, at the Royal Hotel Paddington. You might be thinking now: "Wow Committee, orgasmic is quite an intense word for this Circular!" Well, funny you mention it. A fun fact for you early in the piece is that oysters are conventionally known to be natural aphrodisiacs given their extremely rich zinc content (essential for testosterone production and maintenance of healthy sperm) and ability to boost dopamine across both men and women. Now that you are aware of the impacts of eating just one of these bad boys, IMAGINE BEING ONE, IMAGINE BEING ONE THAT JUST WON A GAME OF FOOTY ON THE WEEKEND, AND IMAGINE BEING ONE THAT'S PART OF THE COLONY (collective noun; a group of oysters) THAT REMAINS THE UNDISPUTED LADDER LEADERS IN THEIR INAGUARAL SEASON IN THE JEFFREY CUP! WE HAVEN'T SLEPT SINCE FRIDAY NIGHT! BRING ON TUESDAY MORNING FITNESS!


Sorry…got a little carried away there. But how could we not? The Oysters, as you may have grasped from out little rant, took out their fifth win this Saturday on a beautiful sunny day with a light easterly down on the Reef at Rushcutters Bay in front of a COVID-19-compliant crowd (<20 folks) of family, friends and other aquatic life.


From the Committee


The anticipation for the Oysters' Homecoming was immense, we yearned hard to once again splash about on our beautiful reef. One could imagine that after three consecutive weeks down in the great and unrelenting ocean South (the Shire), our shells were becoming brittle and dissolved after being consistently exposed to all that polluted and acidic southern water (could everyone please reduce their use of single-used plastics. For real. We know which coral you live in. You don't know what we're capable of). This, however, was not the case, with immense energy from the Oyster men, kicking the week off with a strong attendance at Tuesday morning fitness (6.15am Centennial Park for any of those interested). These freaks included halfback Will Lee who was having his first outing after two weeks of lockdown after a potential COVID-19 scare. Safe to say that Oyster fitness had a near crippling effect on this young Oyster's gills, and the same could be said of our line bending backrower Joel Cheung who may have made his first and last appearance. See Exhibit A below if you want to see what real pain looks like. The electricity in the air could also be felt at Thursday training (affectionately known as “New Friday”).




Exhibit A: A few shucked Oysters on Tuesday Morning.


As the sun rolled up over the horizon in the east, the Oyster men arose from the slumber and ventured with nervous anticipation down to their beloved reef. They were met with a fierce Merry bunch from some southern ocean abyss who gave the Oysters a good run for their money with a tough, physical battle in the first 40 minutes. The physicality was brutal, with plenty of shells being crushed in what was a scene more violent than the typical Lycra and Labradoodle combination that Rushcutters is known for. The Merryland 'Wolves' rode a wave of aggression and intimidation, scoring first points and utterly dominating the Oyster men in that first half.


Did you know? The Wolves hail from Holroyd Sportsground and have access to one of premier sporting facilities in subbies rugby. They have features including (i) shade; (ii) spectator seating; (iii) on-site parking; (iv) toilets; (v) changerooms; (vi) a referee's room; (vii) a club room; (viii) a kiosk; (ix) floodlighting for evening training; and (x) a children's playground. Despite all this, they DID NOT HAVE A SECOND HALF. The Wolves (or should we call them Miniature Dachshunds – actually have a Google; they're super cute), had no answers for the Oysters who unfurled their spinnaker and rode that easterly all the way home. The Oyster men ran full field tries and broke tackles without mercy. This was best embodied by our favourite Lachy Argiris who scored a try from 20 out and shrugged off 4 Wolves who had been declawed by his tough oyster shell, exhibit C. The Wolves, however, were more than happy to dish out their own violent punishment (LOOK AT THE SCOREBOARD! IDIOTS!) with our own Harrison Dormer, who made his starting debut in the backrow, definitely feeling the hurt, refer Exhibit E.



Exhibit B: 36 unanswered points in the second half… “ooh ah OYSTERS! Ooh ah OH YEAH!





Exhibit C: Talk-to-ya says Lachy Argiris who is also the leading try scorer in the Jeffrey Cup.


The post-match festivities with the usual boat race and mingling was testament that all conflict can be left on the field. Given that we lost the boat race, we don't really want to talk about it.


We’ll hand it over to coach for this week’s edition of the Coach’s Corner.



Exhibit D: One of our Club Captains Sam Wood preparing a Eulogy for the Merrylands Side.


Coach’s Corner:


“Week 5 of the Jeffrey Cup saw the Oysters finally return home to fortress Rushcutters as they looked to make it 5 from 5 against Merrylands. Despite a stiff sea breeze, conditions were otherwise perfect for this eagerly anticipated clash and the boys were fired up to put on a show for our supporters.


Merrylands offered a different challenge to us, being a much bigger side that looked to utilize this strength by playing in tight and disrupting the breakdown. We had talked about the importance of playing a fast, up tempo game in order to combat this, however we struggled to implement the plan in the opening 40 minutes. From the get go we looked disjointed in attack & lacked any real shape. The Merrylands boys were flying up and jamming hard off the line, putting a few big hits to set the tone early. We didn't make things easy on ourselves as too often we attacked with one out runners who either found themselves getting smacked or having the ball turned over at the breakdown. Poor discipline helped piggy-back Merrylands towards our own line where they began to build some pressure. Whilst we turned away a number of goal line raids, Merrylands capitalized on an Oysters knock on out wide, quickly counter attacking down the right before scoring under the posts. The remainder of the half was pretty scrapy and slow, we struggled to build any momentum and this frustration was reflected by errant passes and impatience when we had the ball in attack near Merrylands' own line. The lone bright spot was the starting debut of Harrison Dormer (No. 6), who, after copping a big shot on his first carry, got straight back up and continued to run hard & direct all game.



Exhibit E: Another Novocastrian Harrison Dormer channelling his inner Paul “Chief” Harragon and Shucking it up.


The ground was a bit nervous at halftime as Merrylands led 7-0, fortunately however, the first & second halves were like night and day. The forwards, led by skipper Angus Mclelland, began to get good metres when running and were recycling the ball quickly. Lachy Argiris & Harry Williams both had strong contributions off the bench and busted a number of tackles whilst picking up tries to themselves. Harry Cole seized his opportunity in his first start at 15, kicking with good accuracy & touch throughout the game. He was also often the hardest man chasing and was rewarded with some meat of his own when his opposite number fumbled a kick deep in Merrylands own half. The whole backline started to fire & shifted the ball well through the hands to execute on overlaps. Jack Remond had a memorable moment of magic when he attacked the short side towards the end of the game. He caught Merrylands napping, showing & going with the ball in hand to slice through the line before putting on a big right foot step to beat the fullback and score under the posts. Finally, after being put through a hole off a good short ball, crowd favourite Harri Greville did his best Hamish Lorang impersonation, turning on the after-burners to race away down the right sideline and score an electric try that props should only dream of!



Exhibit F: Afterburners from Grev, and a touchdown that would make a 747 Pilot proud.


Despite the poor first half, I was pleased with the efforts of the team to turn things around so abruptly and put on such a clinical second 40. It was great to be able to score a convincing win back at the homeground before the week off. A big shout out to all our fantastic fans who came down and supported the boys & to Merrylands for a very tough, physical game.


Coach B”


- Louis Biscoe a.k.a “Coach Boone”




Another successful weekend’s outing and as always we are greatful to our sponsors. They have been riding this wave of success and hope that we can continue to do you proud as we enter the business end of the season. We are sorry we haven’t been able to put on a spread that is fitting for the contributions that you have made. We are currently working around the COVID-19 restrictions to get some options on the table.


Season Schedule



Next fixture is an away game to Engadine, heading south to our second home ‘The Shire’.



Exhibit G: ScoMo won’t be the last person to leave a mark on Engadine.


Around the Ground – Presented by Punt Hub:


G’Day Punters, Mark from Punt Hub here to wrap up last week’s game.


And another win to the Oysters is sending the bookies broke, they went to 5-0 and with only two games to go they will no doubt be looking to keep that perfect record intact going into the finals. Someone who was not keeping a perfect record was Hamish Lorang who had an off day with the boot slotting 3/6. It was remarkably suspicious, especially as he had placed an undisclosed sum on total points for the game to go under 43.5.


With no game this week we look to our futures markets which have had some interesting movements this week


Lachy Argiris (3/1) has come into favourite in our top try scorer market , with his tally now at 5. He is closely followed by Hamish Lorang (7/2) who is one try behind him. Some big bets were placed this week on flying prop Harri Greville (10/1) who impressed with his winger like run down the right wing. Unfortunately, the left wing proved to be made of sand , or so it appeared for Mitch Rice-Brading (14/1) who failed to cross over, despite having a 50m lead with 40m to go , was tackled 20m out.


There has also been some interest in our Player of the Year Market (the coveted golden oyster). With all tally kept behind closed doors , we can tell you some money is coming in for Harry Cole after his performance on the weekend,


Angus McClelland 2/1

Jack Remond 3/1

Nick Findlay 4/1

Harri Greville 6/1

Harry Cole 10/1

Red Dog Call for quote


Have a great weekend, and up the Oysters!”




(Please note all bets above are for banter purposes and not real bets).



Exhibit H: Not bad at all




Exhibit I: Show me someone who loves pies (serious hobby) more than Nick Peper and we’ll walk backwards to Burke.



As always have a fantastic week, go the Oysters, and above all, SHUCK ‘EM!